This will more than likely be the hardest thing I have ever shared with a large number of people. If I actually post this trust that it is meant cleanse me.
I am a mother of a wonderful 14-year-old son. He is handsome, talented, funny, kind, prayerful, intelligent, and more than I asked for in a son (and let me tell you…I asked for A LOT while I was pregnant). He is my life. He is what drives me. Everything I do is to make his life wonderful and to glorify God in that. I don’t do it for show or recognition. Every single thing is for that “boy”.
I became pregnant by a man that I did not know long. I loved him but wasn’t in love with him. That did not change my hurt when he walked away from us. I won’t get into the awful commentary that transpired, just know that it was ugly. I made a decision to be a single mother in a city I knew very little about. I was in graduate school at the time, and was being pressed by my department to disenroll and try again later.
That was not an option for me. I stayed in school and worked 2 part-time jobs to take care of myself. I refused to buy an expensive parking pass for campus. So I commuted every day. I drove to a COTA park-and-ride, and the bus dropped me off in front of my building. The ride home required that I walk ½ mile (yes while pregnant) to the bus to get back to my car. I never really thought about it truthfully. Everyone else was bothered. I just saw it as what I needed to do.
Nights were bad for me. I was very alone. I only had 1 good friend in Columbus that made it a point to check on me and see to it that I was well. He brought me Arby’s and put Josiah’s room together for me. So each night I would call my friend Jamie and vent about pregnancy stuff that no one tells you about. She was so kind to listen. She even let me cry the first few weeks. I had my mother too. But, as a mom now, I can see why it hurt her to see me go through this.
Well, over the years I have worked several jobs to make ends meet. Sometimes ends did not meet. I’m not sure if it was my pride or the Joe White in me that just handled most of it without saying a word. Those times were never easy. I always felt like the worst mom in the world. I always prayed that Jo would never remember any of it.
In all of this I tried my hardest to still give Jo an amazing life. I feel he deserves a life of smiles and memories that he will love to share with his wife and children. I feel like I have done that pretty well up until now. The heart wrenching part is that I cannot give him the 1 thing that his heart desires the most, a father. This one thing makes me feel like a complete an utter failure. I realized a few years ago that there is no amount of love from me, care from others, and relationships with men of integrity that will ever take the place of the father he deserves.
His earnest prayer is for me to be married and him to have a father. It’s so serious that he wrote it down. Now, we all know that this cannot be done without a willing man. I’ve had people tell me I should not worry about it…just get him a mentor. YO! A mentor is not a dad! I’ve had people tell me to lower my standards. Are you crazy? I’m already far more compassionate than I should be! I’ve even had folks try and tell me not everyone is meant for marriage. No kids! Read the bible. We all are meant for marriage. That’s exactly why Eve was created. I’m Eve’s daughter. So, go on somewhere with that one.
Some people are fooled that I date just to find him a father. Not true. I date because I want to be married, and whoever I marry will be his father. I love love. I deserve love. What I don’t deserve is the mess that’s been hurled at me on the journey to that. Not every man is the same. Neither is every woman. There are men that were not marriage material in my life. When that was realized I moved on about the day without recourse. In 14 years there have only been a couple of men that have made my heartache and question myself. Then I’d question them (about me). The consensus has been that there is nothing wrong with me. So, I was okay mostly.
I understand there is only one mate for everybody. Getting to them can take time. I get that. But when you (mutually) believe that’s what you’ve found and it’s just gone, with no warning it makes you hurt in a very deep way. I’m there…How do you just turn away from that? How do you just so quickly change your mind? How do you love someone so deeply and sincerely to just nothing?
I am hurt. I am tired. I am drained. My hope is somewhere. But I don’t feel it. I have faith. But it’s not as great as it was. I am trying to stay positive. But just when I thought God answered my prayers and heard my heart’s cries…this. And I really don’t even know what “this” is. Now I feel even worse for my Jo. The joy and hope on the horizon was so beautiful. My heart is broken for me and for him, and that’s a lot of breakage. I am not sure how I might manage through this. Maybe I won’t.
I know that we must have trials, and press through. I know God hears me. I know to stay in the word. I know to pray. I know to be persistent. I do all of this through the pain. I do all of this with the pain. I am actually more patient than I give myself credit for. So it’s not about rushing to the finish or anything.
*This is the part where I am supposed to say something encouraging or helpful. But I’ve got nothing.* Maybe some woman will read this and know it’s not just them. Maybe some man will read this and think twice about how he interacts with women. I don’t know. (SMH) I really just don’t know. There’s nothing worse to anyone to be told everything wonderful and it to be just washed away. This is making me fade and I am hard pressed to stop that from happening.