I became a single parent in 2002. The journey of course began 9 months earlier to my dismay. I spent a day or two in shock. Then I gathered myself enough to tell 2 friends and my mother (& stepdad). My mother encouraged me early on to stay positive as to not disturb myself or my son’s spirit.
I took her simple and only advice while pregnant and declared “I’m well. I have peace. I have joy. I can do this. I don’t need his father.” Over the past 13 years I had plenty of struggles, some related to being a single parent, some not. I had even more blessings. So I did not complain very often about being a single mom. My mother often reminded my situation was a ministry to those watching. So, I should walk up rightly knowing I’m blessing others. During these years I simply prayed for my son to have great male role models and occasionally for me to have a male companion.
Last year I began digging to discover myself. This spring my ex boyfriend and I split. He declared I deserve more and I can do better (than him). The light bulb turned on! For 13 years I did not believe I could have exactly what I wanted. That’s why my prayers seldom my were for a husband/father. When I did pray that prayer it would always resolve with “not my will but Thy will…I’m okay with just having a boyfriend.”
Looking back I see how my defeated state in 2001, societal views (women can do it all), and certain religious rhetoric (just be happy with what you have, He gives what we need maybe you don’t need a husband) formed my thoughts and prayers. I’m not blaming them because I could have changed them at any point.
With this new light I have created a new way of thinking, prayer, and expectancy. I have to think up, big, and expect the same. I can’t limit God with my tiny thoughts. Because that’s what He’ll send. I have to ask for exactly what I want. No more dumbing down my desires because others may think I’m doing too much or for fear that God will laugh at me. He really wants to perform miracles. He really want to bless hugely so He can receive the glory! Jesus came so we could have life more abundantly!
My mother was right in so many ways. I have been a walking billboard for all sorts of people. I opened my life in so many ways locally and worldwide with social media. Some people think you shouldn’t share so much but I live life out loud. I’m an open book. I really want to be a blessing to my “friends”. But abut 2 weeks ago I realized it’s time to transition to walking in my full purpose as a wife; which will provide me several other intimate desires.
I’ve been praying for it since May and over the summer I’ve realized through the word, meditation, and life happenings that it’s time. I can’t go any further forward without my husband’s covering; not to mention my son is in need of his father just as much as he wants him! I’m certain his yearning spoke to God who spoke to me.
I’ve been in the way. But not anymore! I spent many days praying for everyone else but me. God had to tell me many times to pray for myself! I would sometimes. When I did it was usually a quick prayer of protection and good health. I’ve done all I could for my friends (those watching). I’ve emptied my vessel for their good. Now it’s time for God to restore Me (Job 42:10).
I will always pray for those placed on my heart and who ask. But now is my time! God has made it clear! This season is over. I won’t reside here! It’s time for me to walk into the best of days in my life!